December 15, 2011. It’s cold; so very cold. Late in the evening, the chaos suddenly went dim and I arise to that thought. Then I hear, “No further shock required,” and see a man over me massaging my chest. He stops and a team applies stickers and leads all over me. My next thought is, “What the f@#k?” My clothes are off; split in half on either side of me. A sheet draped over me from my navel down. An IV is each arm and they are preparing one to go into my neck. I then came to face my inevitable mortality is no joke. I find it almost mildly funny that I almost died on the same day Christopher Hitchens succumbed to cancer.
Humans are a freak of nature when you think about it. In the whole known universe, we are the only ones who communicate in the manner we do. We are the only ones who contemplate topics beyond the scope of mere survival. We know we exist and are aware of our boundaries of being, just as we are aware that one day this life will be over. All other conscious creatures are in survival mode and do what it takes to stay alive one more day and to preserve their young. We go beyond that; therefore we have the privilege to live a longer life and take more reigns on the direction of our lives.
I have not been doing very well. I have been sick for a few years, but in the last month I have been having major problems. Two trips to the emergency department with two admissions and coming to terms with the fact that last time I was within hours of death; I reflected on my own mortality. I know I will die one day, probably sooner than later, and I’m okay with it. I had no knowledge of anything before I was born; why should I have any knowledge of anything when I go? If I do; fine. If I don’t; fine. Life will go on without me.
I made sure that plans are in place and my doctor has a copy of my official wishes so no one has to make the difficult decisions for me. I have a living will with a DNR (do not resuscitate), power of attorney, and directions for whole body donation.
I do not wish anyone to be sad for me; unless such grief is what you need. I do not wish for anyone to pray for me; unless it makes you feel better. I should hope you don’t wait around hoping to hear from me on the other side because if there were anything beyond here why would I stick around and watch? I would hope I’d have better things to do. The day my brain no longer functions and my hearts stops beating; my wishes no longer matter. Have a major party and celebrate, mourn or gloat; I won’t care because I won’t be able to do anything about it. I won’t notice. I won’t be here.
Then I can hear those believers cluck their tongues at me and thinking,”And what are you going to say when you meet God after doubting His existence?” To which I would say, “You have a lot of explaining to do, God.” To such believers whose mouths salivate in glee at thoughts of an angry monster god who roasts disbelievers in an eternity, I would also say to them as I enter the gates of hell, “Howdy neighbor, nice to meet you. You didn’t follow that whole judge not lest ye be judged did you?” Really! If there were such a creature to dictate such a thing, there are a lot of those who claim to be followers who do the exact opposite of what their faith claims they are supposed to do. What happens to me is between me and such a god and is not based on what YOU think should happen to me.
And to that last particular group, it is almost as if they think they are above the fate of everyone else. Rich and poor, famous and infamous, young and old; when you live this life, you will exit this life. The morgues around the world are filled with stories of the dead who go unwept, unidentified, unwanted; names which are lost to the world forever and stories which will never be remembered.
This year alone is filled with many notables who have passed from life to death; so many, deaths, too many to list. Our heroes: John Cashin, Jr., Vann Nath, Betty Ford, Jack Kevorkian, Geraldine Ferraro. The infamous: Donald Neilson, Roch Thériault, Kim Jong-il, Osama bin Laden, Moammar Gadhafi, Clifford Olson. The ones we loved: Trevor Bannister, Nicholas Courtney, Elisabeth Sladen, Patrice O’Neal, Bil Keane, Heavy D, Andrea True, Andy Rooney, Nick Ashford, Gerry Rafferty, Elizabeth Taylor, Alan Sues, Harry Morgan, Jack LaLanne. The technology elite: Steve Jobs, Alan Haberman, John McCarthy, Dennis Ritchie, Paul Baran, Ashawna Hailey (and if you don’t know those names after Steve Jobs, look them up and be thankful they existed or you would not be using your computers online doing anything useful with it, especially if you use apps.)
At least I can go in the peace in knowing I have loved and helped as many people as I possibly could. I’m not famous, but famous enough. I’m not rich, but better off than 99% of the world. I’m not a genius, but smart enough to help myself and my family get by. I’m as normal as everyone else; crazy.
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